Thursday, December 07, 2006

COTB - Live At Five

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Good evening to the sister city of Quahog, Milwaukee. I'm Tom Tucker with the Live At Five news. We apologize for the delay. Our intrepid executive producer does close work with the Blood Center of Wisconsin, and because of the tragic recent events, he has had an unpredictable schedule.

That's right Tom. Good evening, I'm Diane Simmons. The events that Tom mentioned is our lead story tonight. We go now to Badger Blogger, who's live on the scene, and has a full report.

This has been a major story here in Milwaukee. It's a good thing that we have such dedicated reporters keeping tabs on the situation, unlike my worthless co-host. You at home can't see, but she's not wearing matching shoes today. Nice one Diane. Now off to Ollie Williams with a check on the weather. How's the weather today Ollie?

It's F***ING COLD OUT!!!!

Thanks Ollie. At least our weatherman doesn't show up to work with alcohol on his breath, unlike some people that sit directly to my right. Speaking of the weather, we now go to Real Debate Wisconsin, who has some tips on how to cook out on the grill in this cold weather.

Well, Diane, I'm surprised you didn't star in that piece. A story about smoking some meat, being crazy, and being ice cold, all in one. Sounds right up your alley. We move on to some more serious issues, and this deals with government. We'd let Ollie report on this, but all he does is yell, so instead, we go now live to Sequence Inc, with a report on the recall momentum of Alderman McGee.

We move from local government, to a position that requires alot of stature, poise, and fortitude, qualities in which my colleague is lacking. I speak of the presidency, and those that are running for it. Happy Circumstance has a report that says the election might just be a bit more black and white than you think.

Well, I'm sure you know all about positions, eh Diane? We move on now to an editorial piece, which means Diane won't understand a bit of it. As a note to our viewers, this is usually when Diane goes and takes a break. By 'break', I mean goes off to the bathroom and does some blow. Here now with a discussion on Liberalism, is Nick.

You know, Tom, at least you can rest assured that I won't mention what you go in the bathroom and blow for money... Oh. Wait. Sorry Tom. Staying along the lines of money, we go now live to Thoughtful Conservative who has an interesting report about bloggers who take money from political parties.

I hope you paid close attention to that piece Diane. See, there is more to the internet, than the porn you star in. Speaking of that, how's that rash doing Diane? Maybe you could talk to our next reporter. We bring you now a piece by RDoctor about the world of health insurance. Since I'm famous, I don't have to worry about things like this, but I'm sure households that have overweight fathers who wear glasses, and have talking dogs sure worry about health insurance.

At least I've gotten some action since 1994, Tom. How's that disfigured boy of yours? I'm sure taking him out in public does wonders for you getting laid. But in all seriousness, Tom, it is the holiday season, and I found a poem that I thought you might like. We may have our differences, but when I heard of this, I thought of you. And now, a poem, brought to you by an Ol' Broad.

I must say, Diane, I'm touched. For being a cold, heartless bitch, I sure didn't see that coming. Before we leave you tonight, we have a story about another individual that did something nice. Sub2Change is the focus of our story about helping out in the community.

That's going to do it for us here at Channel Eleven. I hope everyone has a great night. I know mine will get better once I step away from this shell of a woman that smells like fish. I'm Tom Tucker.

If it makes you feel any better Tom, my night won't be any better after I leave here. I'm going to go throw up after the sight of you sporting wood during the weather. I'm Diane Simmons, for everyone here at Chann...

It's still F***ING COLD OUT!!!!

..... for everyone here at Channel Eleven, goodnight.

***Instrumental Music***
***Lights fade off to black***

This has been a Carnival of the Badger production. For more information on how to have fun at the Carnival - go see Nick!


At 5:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice job but it's still f*&^ing cold outside.

At 7:51 AM, Blogger realdebate said...

Truly inspired work.

At 1:02 PM, Blogger Nick said...

Worth the wait... great job Matt.


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