Thursday, June 22, 2006

This Sucks

This has been floating around in my head for a couple of days now, and I hadn't gone into detail yet, as I was hoping that I might see things a little differently after a little while.

Well, I don't. I'm still pissed.

This is the kinda thing where writing about it isn't going to help either. But I can't take much more of my brain running in circles about it, so here goes. **I have a feeling this may be one of my longer posts.**

I got passed over for a job. One that I worked very hard for. One that I know I could do very well. And this is where the writing about it doesn't help.... despite being passed over, I'm still expected to put teamwork first, and not look at the situation from a selfish perspective.

It's not likely that someone other than Will that's directly related to the situation will read this (but it is entirely possible) , and I'm sure this post may come off as selfish. But while I'm man enough to do what else is asked of me, and do whatever at 100%... I'm still pissed. I am proud of the fact that I am able to be upset, but still accomplish whatever else is asked of me.

But when I'm done with whatever it was that was asked of me, I'm still haunted by the fact that I was asked to do it, because I was passed over in the first place. And I SOOOOOO wish I was talking about a real job. Sadly, I'm not. My hobby is what is the cause for all this consternation.

The coaching staff on my football team decided to go with someone else for the QB job this year. I respect their decision, but I strongly disagree with it. There were three of us that were in the running for it, and the staff waited until the absolute last possible day to make their decision. We didn't make it easy on them, as we all had different strengths. What I really thought I had going for me was my consistency. Not once did I feel like I had a bad practice, and early on, I really capitalized on the limited snaps we got in practice.

I've had a year in the system, which is one more than the guy they gave the proverbial keys to, and have played at the semi-pro/minor league level for as many years as the other two combined. I know the other ten guys in the huddle would play for me, I try to lead by example, and am pretty durable when it comes to taking hits. ( five years of playing behind the Traveling Circus line will do that to you ).

I'm sure the other two guys think they should have had the job as well, and they could list off their strengths just as easily. And we shouldn't be quarterbacks if we didn't want the ball. But for the first time in a long time, I thought I had it, free and clear. I thought it was mine. Not by much - but I really did think I had beat them out by a neck.

But when I got the call, everything kinda got turned upside down. When Coach told me that they had decided to go with someone else, I really expected him to say the other guy, not the one they chose. When pressed about who Coach would use as a number two, he declined to answer, citing "one tough decision at a time". Ugh. The phone call went from stomach punch, to kick in the testicles in about three minutes. To be totally honest, I wasn't really happy with any of the answers I got from that call. They had made their decision, and I respect it, but none of the answers made me any more convinced that I should feel better about the decision.

And it didn't take long to start to look forward from here. My mind even started racing on that subject before I had hung up the phone that night. The most immediate unsettling thought was that however well the starter does, I'll go to sleep that night feeling that I would have done that well, if not better. We're pretty loaded on talent on the offensive side of the ball ( would be a nice change of pace from 5 years with the Circus ). We as QBs talked about whoever got the job, that person was going to have alot of fun this year. Which leads to the worst scenario - the new starter playing well.

Even if he performs well - and by well, I mean NOT great, but doesn't stink the joint up - they're gonna leave him in there. And before you know it, it'll be the end of the year, and when next year rolls around, there won't be a competition for the job. It'll be his. I'm by far the oldest of the three, and figured I only had maybe another 5 years left at most. I'm not okay with the next five years as a backup.

And there's no way that doesn't sound selfish, I know that. But I'm just not okay with that. I'm not okay with working that hard, and not having it be good enough. I posted recently about the harsh realities that sports can bring you, and I am terrified that this may be another one of those kicks to the head. What if I gave it a good shot, and that shot is really not good enough to start? It would be a little easier to accept if I flat out sucked. But after getting away from all the bullshit of years past, and just being able to focus on playing, it felt good. There was a big difference this time around. Before, I always wanted to do well. Now, I KNEW I could do well.

But it wasn't good enough. And now I don't know what to do. If it's really not good enough, I'm not okay with just being a backup. Maybe if I was younger, I might look at it differently. I'm terrified of what that means for here on out. I'm not sure I can handle hanging up the cleats, switching teams again, or staying in the position I'm in. F*ck.

The WORST thing about this long ass post, is that the whole thing is just plain stupid. We don't get paid for this. I'm not under contract to be there. I chose to play there, and got Will to come with me. It's in freakin Muskego. It's what I said it was earlier.... a hobby. I'm supposed to do this for fun. It's not supposed to make me salty on Wednesdays. It's really spectacular how silly/stupid this all is.

And I want to emphasize that I'm not taking anything away from the other two guys. They are both very capable athletes, and both of them should be expected to succeed if put in the position. But I don't think I'm crazy for thinking it should have been me.

This sucks.


At 6:51 PM, Blogger ptg said...

There's nothing to say but that it sucks.

At 9:57 AM, Blogger Lostgirl said...

You are allowed to be mad. That does suck.

At 1:58 PM, Blogger Party Girl said...

Hell ya you have every right to be pissed.

Sorry, just doesn't seem to cut it.


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