Sunday, August 12, 2007

Flax's State of Flux

A couple of housekeeping things.

It's up to two now. Thanks for keeping track Nort. ;)

The "Almost" post was number 400. I ran into someone on Saturday night that commented on how I hadn't posted much lately. I know most of the stuff I put up here is mindless drivel, but it is an outlet for me - and most of the time I forget that there are a few people outside of immediate friends and family that read this. I wish I had more time to post, and I'm going to discuss that in a few moments... but I wanted to thank anyone that does pay attention. Early on in the blog, I would take a few stabs at important subjects, and I would like to try to do more of that. Of course, you'll still get the unimportant crap too, but hopefully more entertaining unimportant crap. Anyway, 400 posts is about 375 more than I would have wagered on at the outset, but again, thanks for paying attention.

On to the serious stuff. I'm finding myself in an unfamiliar place as of late. I have always been one that adapted to change very well. I have a pretty laid back personality, with a great appearance that nothing every really bothered me ( much to the chagrin of my mother ). Things do bother me, but I think that I do a pretty good job of compartmentalizing things... and if something irked me, I'd deal with it in my way, and not let it affect everything around me. Part of how I dealt with things also came from the feeling ( illusion? ) that I had pretty good control of things around me.

I consider myself a pretty smart guy. How I process information allows me to understand things pretty quickly, and helped me feel in control of alot of things in life. But I'm beginning to fear that I have alot less control that I thought I did. I don't mean this to say that I feel my life is out of control... more that I'm feeling as I'm in a great state of flux... and I'm not a big fan of that right now.

All that said, I am a firm believer in that you get out of life what you put into it ( hat tip to Bob on that one, he instilled that one at a young age ). So while I may not like where somethings in my life are right now, I completely understand that it's my own fault. As smart as I am, and as quick of a learner I am, I never finished college. I am a kid at heart, and often chose play time over work time, which has it's consequences even to this day. Along the work vs play lines, given the opportunity, I can be one lazy bastard.

But as life goes on, people change. And I'm trying to change those things, but it's a slow process. I work A LOT. And when I work, I work hard. I'm working more and harder than I ever have in my life. But I'm beginning to wonder at what price. Currently, I'm partnered into a young company. How do you know where the line is that makes it all worth while? Is missing every golf opportunity with friends worth the long term benefits the job MIGHT provide? With the kid on the way, at what point is working ten, eleven, or twelve hour days worth providing a good life for my family, vs spending time with them?

I bring up the golf thing because it provides the best snapshot example. Not that I blame them, but Nort and Will don't even call me for Saturday golf anymore because the assume correctly that I'm most likely working. What kind of friend does that make me? It makes me feel like a shitty one.

There are no guarantees in life. There's no guarantee that my job will pay me six figures in the next few years. Is there a chance? Heck yeah. But I'm starting to worry what that will do to my life to get to that point. I like my life. Sure there's stuff I don't like, but for the most part, I'm okay. When it comes to family and close friends, I hit the life lottery. For as much as I've fucked up in life, I'm still doing pretty good.

But I want my cake, and to eat it too. I want to be successful at what I do, and have fun with the rest of my life. There are a few days, where I wake up, and feel like I've got the world by the balls, and I can do WHATEVER I want. Other days, it feels like the world's got my balls in a vice. If I can just figure out what the difference is that makes one day like the former, and the other like the latter, then I'll have it made.

I wonder though if it's just the job that's wearing me down now though, or if it's the culmination of my past screw ups coming back to bite me in the ass. I've put a few resumes out there, and we'll see what happens. I know it's never too late to do something about your life... but you know, if I had that degree, I wonder if I'd be in this spot right now.

Maybe that's the point of life. You keep waking up, keep working towards...something. What is that something? Different for everyone I guess. I know it's not supposed to be easy, but I wonder if it's really supposed to be this hard? I guess I'll just have to wait to find out.


At 7:22 PM, Blogger Nort said...

I like numbers... stats is what I do best. :)

Just because the work schedules haven't allowed us to get out on the golf course more often, that doesn't change the friendship at all. Don't worry about it.

Why is it that so many people put so much weight behind those college degrees? Why can't they look past the fact that for some of us, the boredom that comes with picking things up quickly doesn't lend itself well to sitting through four more years of school?

I know nothing ever comes for free, but at times I think the price to pay for past screw ups is way too steep. It's amazing how much "cheaper" it is to do things "right" the first time around.

At 9:19 AM, Blogger Kuflax said...


I agree with you on the social imbalace of the "necessity" to have a college degree... but one of the reasons I wish I had one would be to teach.

They won't let you teach without one, but the funny thing is, it doesn't matter WHAT the degree is in, you just have to have one.

I do know this though. You don't need a degree to start a team. ;)

At 1:11 PM, Blogger Collin Donohue said...

Regarding what makes you feel like a good friend vs your family vs your job... I was feeling exactly the same about two years ago. I was working my ass off, trying to develop my yet-to-be family, trying to be in a band, trying to be with all of my friends all the time.

You'll find out, especially when your child is born, that as long as you don't go broke, your friends will still be your friends. Your job will still be there. And most importantly, you'll see just how much more important your family is.

Not having an idea what the "something" is will become clear when you see your child for the first time. You'll know that the "something" is seeing your child grow. Every day you see your kid develop, and THAT will be your something, and you get to have that feeling EVERY DAY!

And if your friends stop calling you and don't call you back because of you having a family, you'll find out very quickly that they may not be who you thought they were, or who you wanted them to be. Sounds rough, but it's true.

Listen to me yap on about this. My daughter's only 8 weeks old and I already sound like an old man!

At 9:04 PM, Blogger ptg said...

Ditto the previous post - seeing who still calls, who comes over, and who is still interested is definitely the sign of true friendship, especially when you're not able to do as much as you want to anymore. Work will always be there, and there will always be more to do. It's the nature of the beast. Wanting to work hard and provide for your family is natural, but doing it at the expense of the family is not. Good luck - it hasn't been easy for us, and I'd imagine it won't be easy for you, but you'll figure something out. Good families always do!


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