HAPPY B-DAY POPS!!

Know What I Mean would like to send a big birthday shout out to Bob for his birthday today. Although, he won't read this until the day after, we here apologize for not getting this notice up sooner.

But we hope you had a good 122nd birthday, we applaud your....... what???

***sounds of papers rustling..... whispering in the background***

Well, we had this whole spot written? What do we do now? He's not 122 years old? Really? Oh sh*t.... is this mike still on????

***more rustling - a muffled voice can be heard in the background: "How could you screw that up??!?!?!! You're fired!!! I want your desk cleared by the end of the hour!!!!"

Well, those of us here at Know What I Mean Minus One still wishes Bob a happy birthday. Any man that can raise to kids like myself and Fuzz, and let Beezer sleep in the same room as yourself has gotta be a helluva guy.

Safety Tips

Slow news day today-

• Lids signed on as the Defensive Coordinator for the Hitmen. He said the selling point for him was during the coaches meeting - the coaches were discussing what is acceptable behavior for players/coaches, and fighting came up. Lids was SHOCKED to learn that there are football teams that will NOT put up with individuals that slap one another. Go figure.
• Got a whole gaggle of changes on the Hitmen site, so if you haven't checked it out in a bit, go take a peek. Hopefully the schedule will be out in a couple of weeks.
• Then, if you need a good laugh, go check out the site for the Milwaukee Traveling Circus. Makes me cringe, but laugh maniacally at the same time. I know I lean on Nort for QA on the Hitmen site alot - but my God... have they not ever heard of a 'preview'?
• My company is turning 30 at the end of April, and I was told to take on less projects starting after next week, because at that time I will be starting work on the multi-media project to go along with the big 'birthday bash'. WTF?? We're turning 30, and I have to block off three months for a slideshow? When I lamented that it's not going to take me three months, one response from a GM was "Well, we're gonna want sound and music with it too." He said that with a straight face. I got as far as, "It's still not gonna ta....." before I nodded and just accepted the fact that I wasn't getting out of the meeting next week.
• I've been mowing down these pasta salad's by Betty Crocker, but I wonder one thing. They come in a box, with the kind of top like you find on a cereal box. You know, the kind with the 'tab' on one side, and the 'slit' on the other, so you can reseal the box. But there CANNOT possibly be any circumstance where you'd need to close the box to protect the contents after you've opened it. The pasta comes in a plastic bag inside, and the seasoning for the 'dressing' comes in a packet, which once opened requires you to use the WHOLE thing. It's not set up to cook only HALF the contents.... so why the tab top? Every single person that purchases this product will be throwing away the box within 15 minutes of opening it....... I don't get it.
• Know What I Mean is accepting applications for 'sophisticated' TV shows I should watch, now that NBC is finally putting 'The West Wing' out of it's misery. The show has essentially been on hospice care ever since they made the poor decision to move it to Sunday nights - but it was not long for this world for many years after Sorkin stopped being 'hands-on' with the show. While I disagreed with most of the politics presented on the show, the writing at one time was leaps and bounds beyond any other show on TV. I also enjoyed the 'procedure' that the show presented... the day to day activities in the White House that go on - that at times were very non-political. But the prospect of basically having to start the show over with a new administration, and the death of the actor that played the pivotal role in the show left them with few options other than to pull the plug. It will be missed, and I will be forced to get seasons 2-the end on DVD - and hopefully find another show to pay attention to. Suggestions from the faithful masses?
• I have just about become a convert - I now drink coffee. For the longest time, I wouldn't touch the stuff. I always thought it smelled great if someone was making it in the morning, but couldn't get past the taste. With somewhat of a regular schedule now, I've learned the joys of the caffeine kick that a cup of coffee can provide. And it helps if you put a bunch of cream and a bunch of sugar in for the taste. Now I see how people get things done before nine am.
• Carnival of the Badger coming up on Thursday. Submissions are due Wednesday. I'm a Carnival virgin, and I'm wondering if I should be getting nervous. Lids talks ALL the time about how performance anxiety really puts a damper on the mood.... I'm hoping I don't have to be like him and find out myself.

We'll stop there while we give him an appropriate time to come up with a comeback ;)

And I'll leave you with the proof of the demise of ESPN. Their poll tonight? Who is the best player to never play in a SuperBowl? OJ, Earl Campbell, Warren Moon, Dan Fouts, or Barry Sanders?........ You have to ask? Sadly, 17% of the readers of Espn.com got it wrong when they didn't vote for Barry. Every single state in the nation voted for Barry. How desperate is ESPN getting? How did that get to the poll? Are they really that dry on ideas? Someone please help them.

It's A Travishamockery!!!

The folks over at VH1 are on some crack. Flipping through the channels last night, I came across a channel showing images of my Number One. Of course I stopped and watched the minute long piece, which was followed by a commercial. Wondering what the show was about, I waited patiently for the commercials to end, and upon return to the show, I learned that VH1 was doing a show on the '100 Hottest Bodies in Hollywood'. Click on the pic at left to see a larger image.

Interesting I thought, but not enough to keep me watching, since I've just seen my Number One, Keira Knightley. That, and the show is prolly almost over, since they just showed her.

BUT NO. The next number on the list was number 97..... which means they had the future Mrs. Kuflax at number 98!!!!!!

This is an outrage!! This is the definition of travishamockery!!!!! How dare they!!! Now, this show was dual-gender, so conservatively, you're saying that there's 40+ women in Hollywood with a better body than her?????

Yes, I know it's subjective. Yes, I know a small portion of the population thinks that Star Jones is attractive..... but they're wrong. There's no way that Keira doesn't make the top ten.

Unbelievable.


I don't know what the hell they were thinking.

The Mannings

Came across this cartoon, and I just had to share.

You have to sit through a brief ad - but it's well worth it.

ENJOY.

Eli, eat your food faster.

Lovely Lisa

Flipping through the channels while I attempted to fall asleep last night, I came across a show on the E! Channel that caught me by surprise. It seems that Lisa Loeb has a show on about her love life, or lack there of.
The lovely Lisa is having a hard time finding a man, and the show is about the struggle of balancing a career and the search for love. Now, I couldn't tell you another song she's had since her 'hit' a few years back, and I even had to go to Google to get the name of that one ("Stay") - but she is a Know What I Mean certified cutie. She comes off as very sweet and intelligent on the show, so I can't figure out how hard it can be for her to find a man.

While I mentioned a while back that the Hogan family has a reality show that I liked, and will watch if I see it - I don't think this is a show that I will be planning my schedule around. I just found it really interesting that there is a show about her. Although, I will try to catch at least the next episode though. The 'teaser' for next weeks show has her in a thong.... yummy. She goes to New York, and is doing some type of show/interview. She shows up and meets the host, who's thrilled to have her on the show, and she is equally thrilled to be there. At this point, the host says, "Well, lets see the panties" - and the next clip is her in her thong, asking if they're alright.

That's a helluva teaser to get me to watch the next episode.

But the high comedy point on the show I did see, came when she was set up on a blind date at a friend's house. Everything is going well, until someone busts out the karoke machine. The 'date' then proceeds to sing......... wait for it........... "Stay", her biggest hit ever. Train-wreck comedy right there. You could literally see her squirming in her seat as he botched the song. And by saying he 'botched' it is being very generous to him.

They cut to her in the kitchen with her friend, sort of 'Real World' confessional style shot with her ripping him apart. There's a chorus in the song that goes: "No no no no no no no" - and they show him singing that part, and then cut to her in the kitchen saying "Everything was going well, then he sang my song. No no no no no no no, not good." I almost bust a gut. I would pay good money to be in the same room as that guy when he sees the episode on TV.

Wanna View Porn At Work??

Well, working for the state of Wisconsin is for you!!! Story here.

Wow. I don't even know where to start. This guy averaged 4.5 hours of porn viewing on the JOB for over 5 months, and the arbitrator recommended that he should have only been suspended for ONE DAY instead of being fired - He's going to recieve over $45,000 in back pay - He claimed that porn became his crutch after a friend committed suicide - The arbitrator also said the state should have stepped in to help him with his 'problem' - He had been earning over $1400 a month in 'overtime' before he got fired - .....

I'm speechless. What a friggin joke.

I Love My Friends

Here's a recap of a phone conversation I had this morning with a friend:

CL: "Hello?"

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry, I was just going to leave you a message, since I thought you'd be teaching right now."

CL: "No, it's okay, we're having a basketball tournament here at the school today, and the kids are getting a snack between the games, so I have a second.... what's up?"

Me: "Awwwwww! That's so great for you!! You finally get to play basketball against people your own size!!! You get to find out what it feels like to be competitive in a basketball game, and not have every shot of yours rejected into the third row of seats!! Did you lower the hoop to seven feet so you can dunk on the kids??"

CL: "..............."

Me: "Don't tell me by your silence that you're losing to the kids now."

CL: ".............."

Me: "Dude, if you don't say anything, I'm gonna tell everyone you lost to a bunch of 3rd graders!"

CL: "Har har. What did you want?"

At that point, the conversation became unimportant for blogging purposes. This conversation is funny if you know who Chris is. He is not 'short' by national standards, I mean he's not like a midget or anything - but he's the short one in the group of friends. With all of us over six feet tall ( and me around 6'3" ) - Chris and his towering 5'9" ( he says 5'11" - but that's only if he's wearing heels ) is indeed my 'short' friend.

Chris is also a phy-ed teacher at the elementary level - so it never gets old when I remind him that he hangs around people his own height all day. I crack myself up. Of course, those of you that don't know him won't find this as funny, but there should be a handful of you that get the joke.

On a serious note, Chris just recently got engaged, and Know What I Mean would like to send out our best wishes to him and the bride to be. Chris and I got to know each other in a relatively short time period as colleagues on a coaching staff ( although, the way he acted the first week on the job is a whole 'nother post in and of itself ), and he's been a great friend of mine ever since. It's great to see a good guy like Chris find happiness, even though he knows he'll never get any taller.

Had to Happen Sometime I Guess

Like an episode of Seinfeld, sometimes life comes full circle in the course of a day.

Some Mondays are really long days. In addition to my office job, for the month, I'm being passed around to some of the clubs like a cheerleader on prom night. This is especially fun this month on Mondays when we do our server maintenance at night - after 8pm.

Knowing I was heading into a full day, when I got to Club #1 at 9am, I grabbed a cup of coffee and started on the projects for Club #1. First project in the que was replacing a keyboard that had soda spilled on it, and seeing if the printer that had the same soda spilled on it was salvageable. Not too bad you say? Well, this is the third time since this new hire has been here that he has done this. I say new hire, cuz he's only been here three months.

( say it with me - "once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, three times is a problem..... and a punch in the testicles".... ) .... ANYWAY....

Someone commented that I looked 'frustrated' (**you think???**), and I lamented that drinking alcohol should be allowed on the job.

Except for the numbnut that SPILLS ALL THE TIME.

Little did I know, that twelve hours later, we would be throwing a guy out of the club for drinking at a club. Sadly, it was not an employee - but a guest of a member.

Club #2 that I'm currently whoring myself out to, does have a bar on the premises. But this guest wasn't drinking at the bar. He either snuck in an IV, or is a damn good actor early on in his drunken stage.

I was getting ready to leave Club #2, when there was a complaint that someone had passed out in the whirlpool. Well, actually the complaint was that he was yelling, but when Paul got there, he was passed out. We were about to call the paramedics when he came to, and insisted he was fine. At least that's what I gathered from his incoherent blabber. He was quite ornery about it too - refusing to let us call an ambulance, even when he tripped on the flat carpet in the locker room. We weren't really sure what to do with him, as this had never happened before with any of us there - until he started calling other members in the locker room "mutha-f*ckers" - then it was pretty easy to figure out what to do.

We found the member that he came with, and asked him to escort his drunk friend out of the club. The member had NO idea how he got like that. That kinda freaked us out a little bit, but they left, almost peacefully. Not only were the other members "mutha-f*ckers" at that point, but the staff was a bunch of "assholes" for throwing him out.

After that was all over, I still wished I could drink on the job. I had just learned that night, that when drunk, don't sit in the hot tub for an hour. Or at least don't call Paul a mutha-f*cker.

Come One, Come All

I'm going to take a shot at hosting the Carnival of the Badger in a couple of weeks. Nick put together an idea for a weekly roundup of posts. It's a regional thing, so we're not excluding any of you non-Wisconsinites ( Nort, you still qualify by definition of locale, but just barely ) - but posts are encouraged to be about something from the Badger State.

This week, the Carnival can be found over at From Where I Sit. The Carnival makes it's appearance on Thursdays, so my mentioning it here means you'll have to read some of Elliot's other good works before you find the Carnival.

It sounds like fun, so hopefully I can be a regular carnie. Just so long as I don't have to change my name to Cletus, and get to keep all of my teeth.

Canine Taco Bell

I think my parents feed their dogs Taco Bell. Well, one of them at least.

Dog flatulence is nothing new in our society, and not that any flatulence is 'good' smelling, but historically, animal flatulence is pretty bad. If you've ever owned a dog or a cat, you've blamed one of your bombs on the animal. You know you have, and you're never quite believed by everyone when you do blame an animal. Your farts don't smell bad enough to come from a quadruped, so stop blaming Spot.

Back to the fam. I stopped over at my parents house after work tonight to take a peek at my dad's laptop. He's having a driver issue that's jackin' up his laptop, and hoped that I could help him out. I trek on up to the office and begin to putz with the laptop. Beezer ( the 'new' dog that my parents have gotten ), came into visit me while I was working. My dad leaves to go pickup my brother, and Beezer stayed with me.

**A side note about Beezer - He's an old dog, like 10-12 years old. My parents have only had him for a few months. He was given up by his previous family ( asshats ), because of his age, and the fact that they were moving, and having another kid ( asshats shouldn't have a pet, let alone have a kid if they have that mentality ). My mom is part of the Lab Rescue Network ( they find homes for dogs like Beezer ), so instead of being a 'foster home' like she has for some dogs in the past, because of his age, they decided to keep Beezer.

Beezer's a big dog, for a lab. They also have two other labs, Shelby and PJ. End of side note**

So me and Beezer are hanging out, and after a few minutes, I hear what could only be described as the sound of air leaking out of a tire. An immediate mental red flag popped up, so despite the sound not quite fitting the profile of dog flatulence, I spun to look at Beezer. We've only been in the room for five minutes, but he's sound asleep. I give it a few seconds, as I brace for impact, but nothing happens. Confused about what I heard, I returned to my project at hand.

Then, in what seemed like slow motion, I notice Beezer slinking out of the room out of the corner of my eye, almost like he's trying not to be seen. Another mental red flag goes up.... but before I could run, cover my nose, scream, or even blink.....

WHAM.

I have never been sprayed with pepper spray, but this is only what I can imagine what it's like. It may have been that my eyes were watering so bad, but I swear I saw a green cloud in the room. I CANNOT even begin to fathom what that smell does to the sensitive noses of the dogs.

All three dogs eat the same brand of dog food, but I think secretly, they're feeding Beezer some Taco Bell as part of the contract he signed to stay with my parents. He's a good dog, but OH MY GOD.

And you know, hindsight being what it is.... I think when I relive the events in my head, Beezer had a little grin on his face as he left the room. And for that, I love him. Cuz if I could drop bombs like that in the presence of my friends..... I'd be grinning too.

It was a horrible few moments of my life, but Beezer, I salute you and your internal organs. When I start to have a bad day, I'll reflect on the positive things in life, like not being in the same room as you after the 'rents have fed you Taco Bell.

Family Bonds

The Family of Stephen Avery is putting up their business and land for mortgage in an attempt to get Stephen out on bail.

For my non- Wisconsinite readers, Avery was charged with the death of Theresa Halbach. Avery's story is unique in that he was wrongfully imprisoned for 18 years for an earlier charge. He was released in 2003 when DNA evidence proved that Avery was wrongfully convicted.

At the time of Avery's release, his family was overcome with joy. There were several interviews, and shortly there after, the Avery family's 15 minutes were up.

Then, in 2005, Halbach's body went missing. Then a report came out that she was last seen on Avery's property....Avery is charged with an unrelated gun charge...... human remains are found on the property...... Avery's DNA is found in her car, and her DNA is found on a car key in his room.......

So all that happens in a matter of a few weeks. Avery is arrested in connection to the disappearance/death - and his family goes on camera to announce their sadness, and shock over what happened. One family member even said on camera, before the arrest, in regards to the possible guilt of Avery, something to the effect that 'maybe he should go away for a while. He's a changed man, and I'm not sure I like who he's become'. Since his arrest, family members have distanced themselves as far away as possible.

Until now. Now they're willing to risk everything just to put him out on bail. I don't get it. Avery says that they've planted evidence against him because he has a 36 million dollar lawsuit out against the county. Does his family believe him?

Planting evidence here makes no sense. The county was the one that came up with the idea for DNA testing when it became available - and he' s not mad at the sheriffs department of the county - they only arrested him, they didn't prosecute him. So why would they go out of their way to plant this evidence. He can still sue the county for the 36 million if he's in jail. He's going to win anyway, so busting him on some bogus charge won't affect that original case..... so the 'planting' of evidence is horse hockey.

This whole thing is one weird, sick story. The other interesting side note is that he has two public defenders for this trial. The family is trying to come up with half a million dollars to get him out on bail, but they didn't lift a finger to pay for a lawyer.

And being that this is one of the more famous cases here in Wisconsin to come around in a long time - what does that say about your chances if you can't get an attention whore, media mongering, spotlight loving lawyer to offer his services for you? Hell, even Jeffrey Dahmer got Gerry Boyle to defend him. Where's is this sick story going to go next?

The Coolest Pics You'll See Today

This should give you something to keep you busy for a few minutes at work today.

Hot damn if I wouldn't be the one holding some of those objects in the path of the bullet.

In the Time It Takes You...

To read some of this post, some kid could solve a Rubik's Cube.

A new world record was set in 11.13 seconds. That's eleven seconds, to unscramble a Rubik's Cube that was scrambled by a computer algorithm.

That's f'in ridiculous.

I can sit through a physics lecture, and wrap my brain around most of it. But I cannot solve a Rubik's cube in under 11 seconds - let alone eleven minutes, or maybe even eleven hours. How do you figure out that you're good at that? And what application are these kids going to have with that part of their brain? Shouldn't the CIA or somebody be getting their hands on these kids?

The best part about it though? When they finish the puzzle, they throw the Cube down on to a rubber pressure mat, which senses the impact, and stops the timer. I'm picturing a bunch of nerdy kids 'spiking' the Cube on the floor before going into some pre-planned endzone celebration. High comedy right there.

Had To Share

In honor of Nort finally starting a blog, I thought I'd honor him by showing him in some of his finer moments in life.

This was just too good not to share with everyone else. This is actually a combination of two pictures taken from that night a few years ago.




Nort was still sober when he mounted the 'thing' at Miller Park. He was QUITE intoxicated when the woman grabbed his tit at the bar.


Click on the pictures for a better look. I mean, if you really want to.

Poor Mike

Since Barry Alvarez came to Wisconsin, he has had six quarterbacks that were defined as 'starters' over the course of the season. We're going to touch on five of them, as Tony Lawery doesn't equate much to this conversation. Tony was the QB of the 1991 season, Barry's first, when the Badgers went a paltry 1-10.

After that, when Barry was able to recruit his own guys in, Badger quaterbacks have had unparalleled success in football terms. Lawery not withstanding, those quarterbacks have been; Darrell Bevel (92-95), Mike Samuel (96-98), Brooks Bollinger (99-02), Jim Sorgi (03), John Stocco (04-05).

The jury is still out on Stocco. He will be returning for his senior(redshirt) season in '06. Next year will be his second full season as a starter, and he also played in mop up duty in 2003. In 2004, he led them up to a number 4 ranking in the country, and in 2005, had an impressive win over Georgia in the Capital One bowl. His post college career is still very much up in the air at this point.

Sorgi, who backed up Bollinger for 2 years before getting the reins himself, is currently the backup to Peyton Manning in Indy.

Bollinger, one of the most popular Badger quarterbacks in a long time, is currently on the NY Jets roster, and started several games this past season for the Jets.

Darrell Bevel, who still holds the career passing record at UW, was recently promoted to an offensive coordinator job with the Minnesota Vikings. Brad Childress was recently hired by the Vikings, and he hired Bevel. Childress was the offensive coordinator at UW during Bevel's stay there. How in the hell Bevel got up the coaching ranks that fast is a topic for another post.

Not a bad resume for a school that is known for a power running game, wouldn't you say? Oh wait..... I forgot one name off the list.

Mike Samuel.

Not even Google knows what he's up to right now. It sure isn't anything football related. He may have won a Rose Bowl, but he pissed off the football gods somehow. He was far more athletic than Bevel, Sorgi, or even Stocco - but finds himself out of the game. He is famous for advertising for a mouth guard company though.

Maybe he's happy outside the game. Maybe that's what he wants. Or maybe not. And if not, then I wonder what he ever did to anger the football gods.

And I couldn't leave you without showing Mike doing his best Kuflax impression.

Safety Tips

Slapped upside the head this week -

• 52 degrees today?? WTF??? It's January 12th.... IN WISCONSIN. Don't tease me like this. I drove out to the Waukesha club today with the window down and the music loud. That's not supposed to happen until May. And I couldn't enjoy it as much knowing that the weather is going to absolutely SUCK until May, and it would be another 4 months before a day like this again. If weather was normal, I wouldn't have remembered what this was like, and could have managed another few months no worse for the wear. You're a bitch Mother Nature.
• Packers hired the 49ers Offensive Coordinator, Mike McCarthy. I need a few days to wrap my head around this one before I talk about it too much. I have a slight problem with the deja-vu. This is the anniversary ( to the day ) of the hiring of Mike Holmgren as head coach, who was also a 49er Offensive Coordinator. I'm not completely happy with this choice - but I'm going to give it a day or to, and see how it sits.
• Speaking of Packer coaches.... the recently fired Mike Sherman has just interviewed for the New Orleans Saints job. I can't imagine that anyone really, really wants that job, given all the franchise went through last year, but for a particular reason, I hope Sherman gets that job. The Saints have on their roster, a one Mike McKenzie, former defensive back of the Green Bay Packers. McKenzie was traded to the Saints in the 2004 season after saying he refused to play for Coach Sherman, and wanted out of Green Bay. Well, he got his wish - and I really hope karma comes back to bite McKenzie in the ass, and the Saints hire Mike Sherman. That would be some funny sh*t. They should broadcast the first team meeting that Sherman holds, and just have a camera on McKenzie's face.
• Fired Saints coach, Jim Haslett is interviewing all over the country for head coaching jobs in the NFL. HOW? Here's a guy that hasn't ever done ANYTHING in New Orleans, and yet is being coveted by NFL teams. Is there any other profession on the planet where you can be ABSOLUTELY mediocre, and after being fired, have other companies pursue you with zeal for a job? I don't understand it.
• Which reminds me of an incident that happened at work today. One of our 'employees' purchased some software for her job. This was okay'd by the company, and when the software arrived, I was sent out to install it on 3 PCs. You only need one license for this software, because it comes with some apparatus, and can only use it on one machine at a time. I was going to install it on a PC at our Waukesha location, our West Allis location, and our Wauwatosa location. The software was at the Waukesha location, so I went there first, and was going to take it with me when I left. Only I didn't take it with me, because I couldn't install it. It seems that when she received the software, she threw out ALL the packaging that came with it...... INCLUDING the CD case. She kept the CD, which was nice of her, because she thought that was all we needed. She has never heard of a Registration Code, and couldn't understand why I was upset when I didn't have the number. She also couldn't understand why not having the number would stop me from installing it at all. This is a person that is required to have a college degree for her position. In today's world, how do you make it through college and not understand that? And who throws away CD cases that the software COMES in?
• I've put in a call to the software company's tech support, and I should have an answer back by Easter.

More tomorrow, I should have a short day. Yes, I know I just jinxed myself there.

For Ever a Kid

Nick posted about his getting the "Complete Calvin and Hobbes", and it made me go grab mine and finish reading the series. I posted about the collection awhile back, and my ever astute Mom picked up on a hint, and got me the collection for Christmas. I think I appreciate the strip a lot more now. Reading them again, even though I remember a particular strip, I see it differently now as an adult - but it's mixed with nostalgia, and I couldn't put the books down.

Also for Christmas, my cousin Nick ( not the same Nick from above ), made a replication of the Hobbes 'portrait' from the strip. Calvin had drawn a portrait of Hobbes, and in alot of strips, this portrait was hung above Calvin's bed. Now I have my own picture of Hobbes, and it is proudly displayed in my house.


And the following is a poem from the collection, with the drawing to go with it. In the drawing, above Calvin's bed, you'll see the Hobbes portrait.

"Now I'm off to bed,

The sheets pulled to my head.

My tiger is here making Zs.

He's furry and hot.

He takes up alot

Of the bed and he's hogging the breeze."

Bwhahahahaha!

If you don't read Fark.com on a regular basis, here's a headline from Tuesday -

"Lion attacks on the rise in Tanzania. To make lions more docile, officials hire Matt Millen"

Comedy genius right there. That's some funny sh*t.

It's All Relative

In what might quite possibly be the shortest, driest, uninteresting science article, I found a quote that most of you might find amusing. Article here.

The article is about black holes, and how a group of scientists studied a black hole. What they don't mention in the article is that as you go faster, time actually slows down. So, for them to say that it would take 200,000 years to cross 'into' a black hole - what they don't say is that the time referenced is by our standards. If you were actually to plunge into a black hole, to you, it would take only a matter of seconds. Someone else would only perceive you to teeter on the edge of the black hole for 200,000 years before they saw you fall in.

I'll have to explain the physics behind that at a later date. And no, Nort, this is nothing like the pylon discussion. Anyway, the article made mention that the black hole that they were studying was only 47 million light years away from earth, and they cited this as being "relatively close in cosmic terms."

And in the grand scheme of things, they are right. That is kinda close to earth. But to put it in perspective, 47 light years is only 282 trillion miles away.

282,000,000,000,000.

If you traveled the speed of light, it would take you 47 years to get there. Light travels at 186,000 miles per SECOND. That's a mere 679,616,629 miles per hour. In terms that you can relate to... if you drove a nominal 60 miles per hour, it would only take you 4.7 trillion years to get there. That's a longer amount of time than the universe has been around for. If you drove like Nort, and averaged 90 miles per hour, you'd cut the trip down to 3.1333 trillion years.

That's a long f*cking time. And a long f*cking way from here. But it's just down the block, when talking about distance in terms of the universe. There are things out there that are around 10-13 billion light years away from us ( depending on the age of the universe - and that's a whole 'nother post ). That object, a quasar filled galaxy, actually dates back to when the universe was only 750 million years old (the universe is estimated at 13-18 billion years old now). For comparison, the quasar galaxy measures in at a mere 2,000 light years wide. The Milky Way is around 100,000 light years across.

That ALOT of empty space out there. Kinda puts our little world here in perspective. I just thought I'd leave you with that nice thought of how insignificant we really are in this universe.

*sigh*


And if that thought doesn't make you feel insignificant... look at this picture. Click on it to see a larger version. Each one of those dots are galaxies. The big ones are just closer. Each galaxy has maybe 100 billion stars ( our sun is an average star, there are bigger one, and smaller ones ). There are estimates that there are maybe 200 billion galaxies in the universe. So next time your boss is giving you a hard time, explain all this to them. Tell them the TPS reports really don't mean much in the grand scheme of things.

As Carl Sagan said, "Seems like it'd be an awful waste of space if we're the only ones here to enjoy it."

The Leading Candidate....

for dumbass of the year goes to......

Marcus Vick.

For those of you that don't know, Marcus is the younger brother of Michael Vick. Michael is the quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons. This post is not to debate how great Michael is, as I think he's vastly overrated. A serviceable QB? Yes. But so far, he's not shown anything to me to prove that he's the next best QB. Michael was taken first overall in the 2001 draft, and is the most mobile QB this league has seen in a while. He also has several endorsements, which we'll touch on in a bit.

Anyway, back to Marcus. Marcus attended Virginia Tech, just like his brother. Also like his brother, he is a mobile QB, and one of the higher rated players in the ACC. Unlike his brother, Marcus was suspended for the 2004 season for various legal issues. The biggest of the legal issues that kept him out of the '04 season, was an incident where he supplied alcohol to 15 and 16 year olds, allegedly with the intent to get one of the 15 year old females drunk, so that he could have sex with her.

Also in 2004, he was arrested for speeding ( 21mph over the limit ), and during the traffic stop, police found marijuana in the car.

This guy sounds like a real winner so far, doesn't he?

After being suspended for those transgressions, he was re-instated to the team in 2005, and for the most part, he kept his proverbial nose clean. In October, he was reprimanded for making an obscene gesture to opposing fans after a game. ( they were shouting creative chants regarding his past offense involving the 15 year old. Let your imagination go wild as to what college students could come up with on that one ). In December, he was pulled over for speeding again (this time only 38 in a 25 zone) - but the catch was that his license was suspended at the time, so it made news.

Then, in the Gator Bowl, what you thought was the best one so far.... he stomped on a leg of an opposing defender after a play was over. ( watch any SportsCenter for the next few days, you'll see the clip of his 'stomp'). After footage of the stomp became public, Virginia Tech banished him from the football team for good. Marcus, who is a junior in college, declared that he would then enter the NFL draft, since he couldn't play at VT anymore.

So just when you thought this portion of the train wreck was over, on Sunday, Marcus brandished a GUN to a couple of teens outside of a McDonalds.

What a fucktard.

The teens called the police, and Marcus turned himself into police on Monday.

First of all, WHAT THE FUCK are you doing carrying a gun to McDonalds? You're Marcus freakin' VICK. You mean to tell me you don't have a couple of 'large' friends to travel with you? Also... a gun? You're not in the 'hood' anymore son. You used to be on a scholarship to a major university. Also, your brother is one of the highest paid players in the NFL. He's also one of the most visible..... YOU AIN'T IN THE GHETTO anymore son.

Even on talent alone, despite all his legal problems, Marcus might have been selected in the first day of the draft. He could have signed a contract that over 4 years or so, would have paid him a couple of million dollars. Now his dumbass probably won't even get drafted. Well, maybe the Raiders will take a flyer on him in the seventh round.

I'll say it again... what a fucktard. How dumb do you have to be? Not just for the gun charge, but all the other shit that he pulled at VT? How far over your eyes does the wool have to be pulled by the media and friends of the program for you to think that you can get away with that shit?????? This won't only affect him, but his brother as well. Michael has kept a pretty clean image so far ( except for the whole "Ron Mexico" snafu ) - he doesn't need anyone screwing up the family name while he tries to keep up his image as the most electric player in the NFL.

My blood boils over stories like this. Here's a guy with a ton of talent, and he's throwing it away. I play for free. Actually, when it comes down to it, I have to pay to play. I can't even begin to tell you what I would do to have half the talent that he does. I can throw the ball far, but not like him. What a waste. Like Paterno said.... "It's too bad." And it really is. Like Brent Moss, Lawrence Phillips, and now Marcus Vick.... the good Lord is handing out lottery tickets at birth to some people... and some of them are throwing it away.

STFU.... NOW

A woman from the National Organization of Women is calling for Joe Paterno to step down as the head coach of the Penn State Football team. Joe Pa has been at Penn State for over 50 years, the last 40 as head coach. He was under pressure from the media and some alumni to step down after the 2004 season, as the team had not been performing up to the standards that they were used to under Joe Pa's reign.

Paterno responded this season with an 11-1 record, and a stunning overtime defeat of fellow +75 year old'er Bobby Bowden's FSU team in the Orange Bowl. One of Bowden's players, star linebacker AJ Nicholson was suspended from FSU's appearance in the Orange Bowl pending an investigation that he sexually assaulted a woman.

Paterno was asked about Nicholson, and his reply began with him talking about past suspensions of his own players at Penn State. He ended the answer with:

"There's some tough -- there's so many people gravitating to these kids. He may not have even known what he was getting into, Nicholson. They knock on the door; somebody may knock on the door; a cute girl knocks on the door. What do you do?"
"Geez. I hope -- thank God they don't knock on my door because I'd refer them to a couple of other rooms," Paterno continued. "But that's too bad. You hate to see that. I really do. You like to see a kid end up his football career. He's a heck of a football player, by the way; he's a really good football player. And it's just too bad."

Members of NOW have taken issue with his response, and issued a news release asking Paterno to step down.

"Allegations of sexual assault should never be taken lightly," the statement reads. "Making light of sexual assault sends the message that rape is something to be expected and accepted."

Paterno may be 79 years old, but he's still sharp enough to NOT condone sexual assault. So where does NOW get off demanding that Paterno step down? What about Bobby Bowden, the FSU coach? Florida State is known as "Second, Third, and Fourth Chance University". The rap sheet at FSU in the last decade is longer than all of Paterno's whole coaching career at Penn State.

Even with Paterno's comments taken out of context, I still don't see anywhere in there where he approves of sexual assault. He says the whole situation is 'too bad'. And it is. There's going to be a Marcus Vick post coming up, and it's an indication of how athletes are treated in our society. Many of the 'golden childs' think they can get away with everything. And that's really too bad, because then things like this happen. But I don't see anywhere in Paterno's comments that say that rape and assault are accepted, or expected to happen.

Maybe NOW should be spending their resources on things that actually matter - like home economics classes, embroidery seminars, home improvement loans to install stripper poles in homes.........

I'M KIDDING. Really, I am. I think..... No, actually, I am kidding.

Leave Paterno alone. He's a good man.

More Cowbell..... I MEAN Curling

I was going to post about the night that Will and I discovered curling - but then I realized after Will's comment, there wasn't much more to say. Not quite as good of a time as the Penn State trip ( which I STILL have to post about sometime ), but a great time still. We've slowly been indoctrinating Nort into our weird little world, and he may get another lesson this winter when curling is on TV.

And instead of getting a bucket to pee in, as to not miss any of the curling action, I suggest we use ShortStuff's idea of adult diapers. A few years ago, I lived with two roommates in a house. One roommate was out of town, and the other ( also named Matt ) had his son for the weekend. One particular weekend, Matt and I were going to spend the night in, and drink, play cards and video games. His son ( four years old at the time I think ), still slept in diapers, so Matt went to the store to get us beer, and his son diapers.

While he was at the store, my friend Chris (ShortStuff) called, and wanted to know what we were doing. I said we were just hanging low, and that he could come over if he wanted. I said that we wouldn't have any beer to drink until Matt got back in about an hour or so. ShortStuff couldn't figure out why it would take so long, since there was a liquor store across the street. I, knowing full well why Matt was buying what he was buying, causally said that Matt had "gone a regular store so that he could get beer and diapers."

There was a very silent pause at the other end of the line, which I thought nothing of, until ShortStuff yelled out, "That's the greatest idea I've ever heard of!!! I'll be right over!!" It seems that for a few moments ShortStuff had forgotten Matt had a son, and he was quite disappointed when he arrived and the diapers were a size too small for him.

I guess that story has nothing to do with curling, but funny none the less. But for a good story on the publicity of curling, check this story out from October. It seems they made a curling calendar, featuring tasteful nude/semi-nude poses by female curlers. What cracked me up is that the article features the picture that I included at the start of the post, but in the article, they pixilated the nipple. If you click on the picture here, you'll get a bigger version - and I'm not sure the point in pixilating the nipple. But someone up in Canada had to take the time to do that for the article.
Editor: "Say, we want to use this picture in the curling article, but can someone in the art department obscure the nipple?"
Art Department: "Sure, I'm guessing because it's curling, and on ice, the nipple is really pronounced?"
Editor: "No, not really. It's in black and white, and from the side, and it's a small breast, so it's hard to determine where the nippular region really ends....."
Art Department: "Ummmmmm..... yeah, no problem. Sorry, for a moment I forgot we were in Canada."

Does It Have to End?

Holy shait. The game lived up to every bit of the hype, which is saying alot. Texas got a TD that wasn't really a TD because they didn't review it to see his knee down - but you had a sense watching the second half, that no matter what USC did, Texas would answer.

I think I'm going to enroll at a major university and make a team as a kicker. There was another missed extra point tonight. I would have to at least be able to match the field goal percentage that was on display this past bowl season. And I'm not even getting a scholarship to miss that many kicks.

What a year for college football fans (which in my circle is like all of 2 people). So now what do I do? There's the NFL playoffs for the next month (without the Packers), and the Hitmen don't kickoff for almost another six months. The Brewers (yawn) are staring at another season where they'll have to play perfect baseball to just play .500 ball - so I'm not even really looking forward to spring training.

AH HA! After browsing around, I noticed the Olympics start in early Feb. This means the triumphant return of..... wait for it....... CURLING! Woo hoo! Willy! Bust out the Leinies.... I'm coming over! You may laugh, but we didn't know sh*t about curling four years ago, and after a case of beer, came across it on the TV coverage. The announcers were so animated, we got into it. We still don't know anything about curling, other than it's a good time to watch with beer in hand.

Sad, I know. But what's a boy to do without his football on TV after the playoffs?

Say Whaaaa?

I was one of the many people that fell asleep last night after hearing all the miners were found alive. I had the TV on in the bedroom, and saw the "Breaking News" as the local station said 12 miners were found alive. Then, this morning on the way into work, I heard the soundbite of the lady saying she was going to "sue them" over the news of the deaths.

I don't think I've ever been so confused as those three minutes. Finally, when I got to work, I was able to look up what happened. I cannot possibly imagine the rollercoaster of emotion those families went through last night.

But can you really sue for the widespread mis-information? That's what she wanted to sue for, but I don't see how that can work. I'm sure she could sue for the actual death of her family member, but for a wrongful report? Any lawyerly type people out there know about this kinda thing?

Pylon Physics

Yeah... called that one wrong. I love me some college football, and am very happy that I goofed on the Badger prediction. My bad.

But what a week for a CFB lover like me. Simply stunning, awesome games in the last few days leading up the the national title game. ND and OSU had a great game until just 2 min to go. Then the nightcap on Monday featured a big underdog ( West Virginia ) jumping out to a 28 point lead over Georgia. UGA came back to make it a three point game late ( 38-35 ), and with just over a minute to go, UWV executes a FAKE PUNT, and runs out the clock.

Then today, 142 year old Joe Paterno took on 137 year old Bobby Bowden, and the game went well past their respective bed times. In triple overtime, my ( and Willy's ) beloved Penn State pulled out the win. There were FIVE missed kicks during the game, with three of them coming in overtime.

I really hope the USC/Texas game keeps up the level. Should be a good one.

But I did notice something while watching all this football on my wonderful HiDef TV, and I'd like to start a campaign to change the rules of the game just slightly. If there is enough public outcry, I think we might just get this confusing part of the game changed. I'm thinking of starting grassroots style, and moving on to outright lobbying if necessary.

Despite having played football in high school, and for 6 years at the minor league level, I never noticed that they pylons are set down in the out of bounds area. No biggie you say? Well, the rules stipulate that they are actually IN bounds, as part of the field. I've included a small diagram to help explain what I'm talking about. There are a minimum of four pylons in each endzone ( in the corners ).
Imagine this is the left, front corner of the endzone if you were standing in the endzone. (the blue is the endzone, and the white are sidelines and goal line. If you didn't figure that out, then skip the rest of this post)

The pylon itself rests on a part of the field that is defined as OUT OF BOUNDS. If you ever step on, or the ball touches the sideline, you are out of bounds. However, another rule stipulates that the pylon itself is IN BOUNDS, and "part of the field of play."

That's two rules that seem to contradict themselves. It gets even more confusing when you take into account the rule about the goal line 'extending around the world. The ball just has to cross the plane of the goal - so that means if you have established position in the field of play ( meaning feet ON THE GROUND, not in the air ), the ball can be past the goal line, even if the ball is also over the out of bounds region. Basically that means that you can run along the sideline in bounds, and extend the ball out directly to your side ( so if you 'dropped' the ball, it would be out of bounds ), and as soon as the ball crosses the goal line, it's a score.

But if your feet leave the ground, then the ball is marked at the spot that it CROSSED the out of bounds mark. So if you leap for the endzone, and your arm is extended, and your body crosses the plane of the goal, but the ball does not, then it is not a score. UNLESS you or the ball TOUCHES the pylon, then it's a score.

Isn't that stupid? The pylon is OUT OF BOUNDS, but if you touch the foam stick ( that's only like a foot high ) - then it's a score.

So here's a simple idea. Move the freakin pylons ONTO the field of play. Place the pylon so that the entire bottom rests in the endzone. Just move it the width of the pylon, it's pretty simple folks. Why were they ever placed in their current spots in the first place? Why wouldn't the inventor of the pylon put them in bounds?

I don't get it.

And yes, Nort and I discussed this for fifteen minutes on the phone today. And no, we weren't even drinking at the time. Maybe we should have been.

Life Imitates Art

"I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY!"


I actually said this today. Only one person in the office got the reference. Don't look down upon them, for they don't know any better.
"37 times?"

Half a Holiday?

So how many of you have to work on Monday? Anybody? Or just me?

Do a lot of people get Monday off because the holiday fell on the weekend? At best, I'm guessing that at least half the population has to go to work Monday. Now Friday however, I'm thinking that 75% of the country had to work on Friday.

Here's what I don't get - why in the heck would you schedule any college football bowl games for this past Friday, and this Monday.... during the day????

On Friday the 30th, the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl (don't even get me started on the names of the bowls) kicked off at 11AM in Nashville, TN. The stadium didn't even look like it was one third full. Who planned that one?

On the same day, the Sun Bowl in El Paso, TX kicked off at 1pm the same day. At least that stadium looked half full.

This Monday, there are several big bowls going on. Usually these games are played on New Years Day, but because it fell on a Sunday, the all-mighty NFL took command, and pushed the games back. The New Years Day games are supposed to be a bigger deal than the other bowls, because the idea is that everyone has off, and is available to watch them.

Outback Bowl (Iowa vs Florida) - 11am Monday.
Cotton Bowl (Alabama vs Texas Tech) - Noon Monday
Gator Bowl (Virginia Tech vs Louisville) - 12:30pm Monday.
Capital One Bowl (Wisconsin vs Auburn) - Noon Monday.
Fiesta Bowl (Notre Dame vs Ohio State) a friggin BCS bowl!!! 3:30pm Monday.

Those folks over at VisaNet better get their sh*t together Monday morning, because if I get stuck in the office with that damn problem past noon, I'm going to get a little cranky. This wouldn't be a problem if the networks and the people in charge of putting bowls together had thought things through and planned the games for when EVERYBODY would be home, like a regular New Years.

They already move two games off the 'traditional' New Years Day to keep primetime slots for the games - so why not do that when NYD falls on a Sunday? When I run this place, conflicts like this won't happen.

Of course, when I run this place, Wisconsin won't have to play Auburn in a bowl game either. Wisconsin is going to get taken out behind the woodshed on this one. It might be better that I might miss this game. I hope they at least had fun on the tour at Disneyland, because it's not going to be any fun during the game.