Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Bleepin' Classic

Almost as good as when he and Snoop Dogg got drunk on his first three shows.

Monday, February 27, 2006

I Don't Care If You Saw This Already...

But wow.

The story of Jason McElwain had over a dozen people stopped in our tracks at work today. I'm a sucker for feel-good sports stories, and despite all the sh*t that ESPN puts on the air, they're getting pretty good at giving us the feel-good stories. This morning's SportsCenter piece was no different.

The story has made pretty good rounds, and it's awesome if you can see the footage from the game. I almost wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it.

Jason McElwain was diagnosed as autistic at age two. He didn't start speaking until he was six. He's now considered exceptional by autistic standards, and if you could see the interview, you might not even think anything was wrong with him.

As a junior, he tried out for the basketball team, but couldn't make the junior varsity. He asked to stay on as the team manager, and never missed a practice. For games, he'd wear a shirt and trademark black tie, even though the job didn't require it.

As a senior, he was ineligible to even try out for the JV, and didn't make the varsity squad. He stayed on again as team manager. On Senior Day, Coach Jim Johnson offered to let Jason suit up for the game, but made absolutely NO promises to get him in the game.

The basketball gods had other ideas. With a 20 point lead with just under four minutes to go, Coach Johnson put Jason in. The crowd, who already knew that Jason would be suiting up, went ape-shit. They had signs made, and even had cutouts of his face to hold up.

Jason didn't disappoint. While his coach was hoping for atleast ONE basket, Jason did him five better. He scored 20 points, on six of ten shooting from beyond the arc.

He would have had another, but a toe on the line caused him to take two points for a shot. But it didn't start off so hot for Jason. He missed his first three point shot pretty badly, and missed a layup on the next possession. But what kind of story would that make?

The ESPN piece did a great job of interviewing the coach, other players, and Jason. The team captain finished the piece by pointing out that Jason had scored more points in under four minutes than he had scored all night. He added that neither he, nor Jason, will ever forget that for the rest of their lives.

We watched this at work, and literally a dozen people had gathered around the TV in silence. When the piece was over, only my boss could utter, "Holy shit...." - before people dispersed in more silence.

The only raw footage of the spectacle I could find is here with this MSNBC piece. You have to sit through a 30 second ad, but it is well worth clicking on the video link. They show the first couple of baskets, and the crowd, but the second half of the video is the first airball, and the six three-pointers. Make sure you watch this one with some sound. Mom, don't cry too much at work.

A CBS piece is here, with commentary, and a little better video quality. They have a brief cameo by the coach and captain.

If ESPN knew what was good for them, they'd show this piece again. Better yet, someone ought to create a channel where there were nothing but stories like this. I'd watch all day.

Bullsh*t Reality

Some of the girls at work..... OKAY..... ALL of the girls at work today were discussing the Bachelor, and who he was going to pick on the show tonight.

That show is still on??

I had a question for the women that none could give me a satisfactory answer to.

How in the world do the odds work out that when you put 25 women in a house with a guy, EVERY single one of them thinks he's the one for her?

If I went out to the bar and met 25 women, odds are that most of them AREN'T destined to be with me forever. It just wouldn't work out. So how is this show any different? Does the fame of the guy on the show make him that much more desirable? I find it hard to believe that when they interview all these women after they get 'cut'... be it after one show or the last round... that they all cry and say how sad they are that they didn't get to be with him forever.

It doesn't make sense. How come there's never any women that afterwards look at the camera and say, "Well, he was a nice guy, but I just didn't see it working out in the long run".... or "Well, it didn't just click right away" - ???????

How is it not conceivable to these women when they go in to the show that it might not work out? He's a guy, just like any other. If they can find a soulmate that easily, how have they not done so by now? Haven't they ever been out to a bar? I don't get it.

Gettin' My Lift On

There's alot to post about today, and since this is the least consequential to you, my beloved readers, I'll get to this one first. By writing this one first, it won't sit on top of the post que for very long, and you'll have already made it through the better stuff.

Anyway - I worked out tonight with some of the football guys at the new Muskego gym. That in and of itself is not post worthy, but I thought on the long drive home that I am going to tell you about it, but for selfish reasons.

I've actually been working out alot this offseason, which is quite a change for me. Now that I've found myself in a situation that I'm really happy with, even I'm surprised how much I want to work out. Now, don't get me wrong... I still don't really like working out. I've NEVER once in my life gotten the endorphin rush after a good workout. It sucks when your body feels like you just wrecked the hell out of your muscles. But I know I have to do it... especially this year. I want the QB job in the worst way, and that's only gonna happen if I lift weights and do footwork drills like a mo'fo.

So in addition to my usual drivel, I'm gonna post about the times that I do workout. I'll keep it brief, but by putting it on here, I think I'll be more conscious about keeping a regular schedule. Not that any of you will be scolding me if I skip a few days... but hopefully this will keep me on task as we approach the season. I'd like to keep up with four good days a week.

Today - cardio, shoulders, and ab work.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Youth of America

Mellon-enflambee anyone?????

Crouching Tiger, Curling Nort

Nort (above), Lids and I stopped out at the Wauwatosa Curling Club's open house on Saturday. There were ALOT of people there, but we had a chance to hop on the ice, and much to Will's dismay, none of us busted our sh*t on the ice.

A few other people there took a couple of diggers while trying to get out of the 'hack', but we didn't see any broken bones for the day.

It was alot of fun, and Nort is a NATURAL. I don't know if he has secretly been practicing out in the frozen cow pastures for the last four years, but that boy is GOOD.

They made you practice tossing the stone back and forth with a partner, who was like 10 feet away from you first. Yawn. Then, you put on the teflon sole, and took two stones into the 'hack', and pushed off, learning how to take off.

From there, you'd go to another hack, and with a stabilizer and a stone, push off the hack, but not release the stone.

At the last station, you gave it a whirl, and chucked a stone on down the sheet. Well, damned if Nort didn't put his all the way INTO the house ( the circles at the end ). On his FIRST toss ever. ( unless, again, he's been practicing out in the pastures in his backyard ). He was grinning like a kid in a candy store the whole time.

You also had the option of sweeping a stone at the end as well, and that is MUCH harder than it looks. Getting a rhythm for sweeping and moving down the ice without falling on your ass is quite difficult - moreso than tossing the rock out of the hack.

We will be back. The season for curling is almost over, but I have a feeling we will be joining the Club next season. The fee for the year is like 200 bucks...... but that includes all the FOOD and BEER. Yes, unlimited beer. Nort looked at me on the ice, and with a straight face asked me, "Is this heaven?"

We'll definitely be able to eat and drink our $200 worth next year. Oh yeah... We'll get to curl some too.

Saturday, February 25, 2006


Will already doesn't like him, and before, I just tired to ignore him.

Now, after this, I hope this horkin' tool is never heard from again.

What a jackass.

Here's another one from Will.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Busy Little Bee

Lots of doings at work. This week, I'm making the graphics for postcards, and I've been given some parameters for the 'slideshow' that we're gonna use for the 30th Anniversary party. Up to a possible half hour of pictures and text, but no sound, so that's helpful.

I'll post more about that later, but I'm hoping this works, cuz I'm going to show you the small 'break' I took from the postcards this evening.....

For those of you scoring along at home ( or those of you by yourselves ) - that's a flash animation and javascript code to get it in the post, so you get a two-fer today.

By why make something saying Vancouver 2010? Well, the journey begins on Saturday, as we take our first foray into curling. That's right beyotches - we're gonna be representin' the USA in the 2010 Olympics.

Holla at a playa when you see 'em in the street.

I knew a long time ago, I'd never be in the NFL or Major League - but Nort's almost got me convinced that four years is enough time to get ready for Vancouver.

Almost got me convinced.

Details of the Saturday adventure to follow....

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Shoulda Been There Nort


Made some fish for the first time in a long time tonight. Nort, you're missing out. Even though this was pretty simple, it rocked. Just over a half hour prep/cook time, and it was damn good. A little rice to go along with it, and I'm gonna sleep like a baby tonight.

The fish just had some breadcrumbs with lemon pepper, lemon juice, salt, and some seasoning. Bake, and you're good to go. Some day Nort, you'll see the error of your ways, and try some of the really good food out there.

Now, I just have to get the big white chefs hat for when I cook, and I'll be all set.

C'Mon, Everybody's Doing It....

We're influencing the world!! Even Google's got the fever!!

Monday, February 20, 2006

I Hope I'm Not Alone

I posted a long time ago about how I couldn't turn the channel if there's anything about September 11th, 2001 on TV. The same held true last night, as the History Channel had on a show called, "The Day The Towers Fell".

I was dog tired last night, even crawling into bed around 8:30. The History Channel is one of my regular stops on the dial when perusing the TV, and despite being tired, I couldn't fall asleep until after 10pm when the show was over.

As I said before, I didn't know anyone that died on that day. I don't even think I know anyone that knew anyone that died that day. I didn't even know anybody that lived in either New York or DC.

The closest possible connection I can make to that day, is that I have a pilot friend. SkyDork was actually in the air when the attacks happened, and hearing him talk about it will give you chills. He was over the Midwest somewhere, and hearing him talk about the look on his and his co-pilot's face when they got the message : "ALL planes are to land immediately." is pretty intense.

He doesn't fly the types of planes that were used, but he flies commercial airplanes - and I know that's a stretch, but that's the closest connection I have.

So why do I get all numb when there's something on TV about it? Even if I've seen the particular program before, I still end up watching it over again sometimes. But for something I've never seen before, like last night, I watch. I can't not watch.

But it makes me think about the people that it directly affected. Those that were there and survived... and families of those that didn't. I was 1500 miles away, with no direct connection.......... I can't even imagine what they go through when these programs come on.

There's a big part of me that's glad I watch, and I can only hope that others like me have the same reaction.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

No Expectations, and Good Times

I did take some time off today from my world curling domination to try my hand at professional football. Unbeknownst to most, I was invited to a tryout for the Green Bay Blizzard. The Blizzard play in the Arena 2 Football League.

Most of the time, when Arena teams have tryouts, anyone can go, so long as you pay the fee - anywhere from 50 to 100 dollars. Myself and a few others were granted an exemption from the tryout fee, and that had alot to do with my going all the way up to Appleton for the tryout.

They were given my name by someone at the minor league level, and they wouldn't tell me who, but near as I can guess, it was someone from the Evil Empire. When I was invited, I called Zimm, who has some connections with the Empire to see if he knew anything about it. After talking about it for a while, Zimm offered to drive up there with me to see what it was all about. He had a chance to talk to the coaching staff about getting his foot in the door, so he was happy, and I didn't feel so bad about him driving all the way up from Racine to get me at quarter to six this morning.

As for the tryout, if you haven't guessed by now, I don't have a professional contract. But I am really glad I went. I had absolutely no expectations about going, and I feel that I performed WELL above my expectations of how I would. There were about 100 guys there, including six quarterbacks. I rated myself no lower than the second best QB there, and I didn't feel that I was very far behind the other good QB. He had EXCELLENT footwork, but his throws were a little erratic - which was surprising given how well he moved.

I was able to throw through all the targets that they asked, and was given a brief opportunity to run some skelly drills ( WRs vs DBs ), and felt really good during the drills. The ball came off the hand nice, and my dropbacks felt smooth and on depth ( I've been working on them ALOT this off season, so it was nice to try it under live circumstances for a change ).

The solace comes in that they didn't offer any of the QBs a contract, but that didn't surprise me. Near as I could tell, they only offered two contracts overall ( a linebacker/fullback, and a wideout/defensive back). Keep in mind, 80% of the roster is two-way players. Arena football only allows two 'specialists' on the team ( one for offense, and one for defense ). Quarterbacks and kickers are a separate bunch, and they don't have to play defense.

They did invite a couple of the skill guys to camp, but without contracts. Would I have been in a position to go play for them, even if they did offer? I dunno. They help you out with housing, but AF2 doesn't pay all that well. Arena 1 does, but not AF2. But it was still fun to go, and I'm glad I went. Who knows, maybe after this season, I'll give it a shot next year.

Where Does The Time Go?

200 posts and still truckin. I wish I had something more insightful to say, but I've been too busy playing curling. Watch out for Nort, Will, Lids and I in the 2010 Olympics beyotch!!

click the pic for a bigger pic

The drama!! I'm red, and yellow has the hammer, and they're about to toss the hammer..... You could cut the tension with a knife!!!

Oh, yeah. 200 posts. Glad to see I've matured over that time frame. ;)


Red stole a point!! Woo hoo! Suck it yellow!! And even though I changed it earlier, the computer was set to 'expert' for this end... HA HA! I rule the curling world!!

Again, you can click on the pic to see a better view of my domination.

Friday, February 17, 2006

It's a Cartoon Pt. 2

The asshattery continues, but this time at a more local level, involving my old high school.

Nick did a post about it, and it pretty much sums it up. Go check it out, cuz there isn't much more I could add.


I think I'm a smart guy, but I don't understand the whole cartoon-riots.

Here's what I know about the situation:

- The cartoons were drawn, and published, in the fall of LAST year.
- The cartoons were drawn, and published, by Danish folks.
- For once, we had nothing to do with something that people are angry about.
- Newspapers that are re-publishing the cartoons are under intense pressure to apologize.

So, despite being a smart guy, here's what I don't get - Why are there riots now, and nothing back in the fall? If Danish people caused the ruckus, why are they burning American flags and KFCs? If a story is newsworthy (which the riots are), why are newspapers that are reprinting the cartoons as factual reporting ( showing this is why they are mad ) being condemned for reprinting them??

It seems to me, that if people are steaming mad, I would want to know why they're upset. So a newspaper seems like a logical place to see what all the fuss is about. It's not like the newspapers reprinted the cartoons because they thought they were funny, and put them in the comic section. These asshats that are screaming for papers like the Badger Herald to issue an apology need to STFU.

It's been said before, but bears repeating. People upset that they're portrayed as violent, so they become violent. Sounds like a good plan to me.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

A Woman, No Doubt

I know this is going to piss off over half of my readers, but today, I don't care. When they decided to 'name' Nature, they were SO right in assigning it a female gender.

Only a woman could act like this.

I didn't wear a jacket to work on Tuesday, and today all hell broke loose.

We got some snow last night, which I shoveled. That was a mistake, because of what Mother Nature was to bring forth.

Then, this morning, the snow gave way to FREEZING RAIN. Which wreaked havoc with the thin layer of snow fell after I went to bed. There was even THUNDER this morning, which is quite disconcerting in the middle of winter.

There was so much water and snow out and about today, that the salt trucks were fighting a losing battle. All they were doing was making more slush, which wasn't a good thing as the temperature dropped. Then, just for fun, Mother Nature threw some hail at us this afternoon. The hail was especially fun, because it was pin-head in size, so it was nice and painful as it pelted you on your way to your car - and during the 10 min scraping off your car.

If it were 'Father Nature', we'd never be treated like this.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

More Cowbell, Part 2

Like I really needed a reason to repost this picture, but in the last couple of days, I've gotten a bunch of hits from people doing Google searches for the "curling calendar".

And, in an effort to further master the intricacies of the sport, Nort, Will and I are looking into the leagues they have for curling here in Tosa. We would need a fourth though.... anyone else got the fever??

I Still Don't Get It...

I watched curling for almost an hour and a half today, and I still don't understand the strategy to that game. Keep in mind I said the strategy, not the concept of the sport. I fully understand you need to get your stones in the circles, and keep the opposing stones out.

But sometimes in the course of a match, they sit and discuss the next shot for over FIVE minutes. They can even call a timeout in curling!!! WTF??? Shouldn't just about all of curling strategy be mapped out by now? In football, playbooks have HUNDREDS of plays, but in certain situations, you only use one or two of them - and you only get 25 seconds to make that decision. In chess, there's thousands of combinations of moves, but a skilled chess player can recognize a strategy and plan out a counter strategy in a few moments.

So how, after over 100 years of competitive curling, have they not mastered basic strategy? If the stones are positioned in a particular pattern, someone by now should have figured out the highest percentage play based off that alignment. I don't get it.

But I still love watching the sport, and today, I wasn't even drinking. Nort especially is becoming hooked.

Nort: when are we going broomstacking next?
Nort: "One great tradition in curling is broomstacking. The term refers to the social get-together after each game. Originally, curlers, after completing a curling game on the pond, would stack their brooms in front of the fire and enjoy beverages with the opponent. This tradition is still alive today and it is expected that you partake in broomstacking after every game."
kuflax: sweet
Nort: you must go out drinking afterwards!!!
kuflax: our kinda sport!
Nort: how come this shit isn't published more?!?
kuflax: looks like you've found your calling
Nort: woo hoo!
Nort: there's a special handshake!!!
kuflax: LOL
Nort: I'm gonna love this!
kuflax: ut-oh

Although, I've never seen Nort on ice, so that alone may be worth the price of admission.

Spring Has Sprung

Holy shiat it was freakin warm today.

And it's gonna be freezing by this weekend.

I FUCKING hate winter.

Too Many Hoops

The fine folks that run the Green Bay Packers are always looking for ways to make some money, and find a use for the $200 million building in the tiny town. They scored a proverbial touchdown with the Badger Hockey game this past Saturday, and the new head honcho of the Pack has his eyes on another UW team. Since Lambeau Field is afterall, a football field, why not bring in the UW football team for a game?

Well, UW isn't chomping at the bit to get this done, but it's in the back of their minds. Understandably, they have some contractual obligations, so they just can't move a game from Camp Randall to Lambeau - but how hard could it be to convince another team to give up a home date? College teams do that all the time, especially ones from mid-major conferences going to play in a "big-time" conference stadium. Plus, major colleges pay large sums of money to other smaller schools to give up a home game.

Why is it that good ideas can be so hard to bring to fruition? How come everyone can agree that something is a 'slam dunk', but it never becomes a reality? This example is just one of thousands of good ideas that will never happen. People in charge get paid lots of money to get things done. So why is it that alot of times.... nothing ever gets done?

When I'm in charge, good ideas like this will be implemented immediately.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Me and Bucky, Back Together Again

For years, I spent the weekends as a transplanted University of Wisconsin Student. I never actually took any classes there, or paid any tuition, but I always felt right at home on campus. I even spent a summer living there with a couple friends of mine.

I did some work for the University, working for a company that worked with athletes on speed performance. That job got me on the field for a few pregame festivities for football, but the student section was the place to be.

My number one all time sports 'moment' was the day that Ron Dayne broke the collegiate rushing record. It was the end of October, but it was in the 70's for kickoff. There was a grandparent sitting in the student section with us. The whole experience is worthy of a separate post, which I'll get to eventually.

But this weekend was pretty cool on the UW coolness meter. The Badgers hosted the Frozen Tundra Hockey Classic at Lambeau Field on Saturday. 40,800 of my closest friends came out to watch a hockey game between the Badgers and Ohio State.

And yes, they played "Jump Around" before the third period. And yes, it F'IN rocked. That tradition may not be as old as others around the country, but it is one of the coolest.

I may say that I wish I could be a kid forever, but I hope I never say, or feel that I'm too old to attend a Badger sporting event. I may not have taken any classes, but I can 'Jump Around' with the best of 'em. And when I do get to old to "get out yer seat", then someone better put some hydraulics on the wheelchair, dawg.

Best chant of the day? Two college kids were trying to start the wave in our section, and they happend to be shirtless. ( they were dudes, so don't even think about it Dave ) After they were unsucessful in their first few attempts, our section started pointing at them and chanting:

*clap - clap - clap clap clap*

I love college chants.

Gee, when I have kids, you don't think I might suggest that they go to Madison for college do you?

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Is There A Doctor In the House?

Something must not be right. Three nights into the week so far, and I've been in bed NO later than 10:30 each night. One night, I didn't make it past 9:30.

This can't possibly be good.

Carnival of the Badger

Wigderson Library & Pub has the Carnival of the Badger this week. Go check it out, and let Nick know if you want in on the hosting fun.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Why Can't He Go Away???

They announced the crew that will work the Monday Night Football games upon it's move to ESPN next season.

Mike Tirico, Joe Thiesmann, and Tony Kornheiser. Suzy Kolber and Michelle Tafoya will do the sideline reporting.

Tirico's a great play-by-play man. He has done alot of the college game before, but often gets lost in the shadow behind Keith Jackson and Brent Musburger. Kornheiser is a smart, enthusiastic sports guy, although doesn't come from a 'football' background like previous color commentators have. His television day job, PTI (Pardon the Interruption) with Mike Wilbon, will continue to air. It's a great show, and the banter back and forth on there is excellent. Will it carryover to the booth? I don't think so, and there's one big reason why.

Joe Theismann. By all accounts, he seems like a nice guy. But he's a terrible color man. If they were looking for a quarterback to offset Kornheiser, Dan Fouts isn't doing much these days. Why, oh why do they have to keep Theismann?

Maybe Kolber or Tafoya will have a baby in the next year, and they'll have to replace one of them on the sidelines. Only then, I can pray that Lawrence Taylor is given a shot as a sideline reporter. That alone should be good enough to drive Theismann out of the booth.

Lost in all of this, is that Al Michales is not returning to do either football, or basketball this next season. So let me get this straight - we have to keep listening to Madden and Theismann, but Al Michaels isn't given a job?

When I run things around here, sh*t like this won't happen.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Hommina Hommmmina

The future Mrs. Kuflax and Scarlett Johansson are appearing nude on the cover of Vanity Fair. Well..... it's not really naked unless you see nipples.... but yeah. I never have purchased a copy of Vanity Fair, but I might have to start now.

The good news is that Vanity Fair's website is noting that the dude in the picture was digitally added. Although if I were him, I'd carry a copy with me everywhere, and flaunt it to every guy I saw during the day.

The Pain Train Is Comin'!!!!


Someone at the office had actually never seen the Terry Tate commercials. I can't get enough of 'em. How did they not make more of these??

In the "Sensitivity Training" episode, the firm that they hire the consultant is "Sanchez and Steamer". Bwhahahaha!!! I love the fact that someone had to say that as an idea for the name of the consulting firm in a meeting, and other ad execs had to okay it!

"You can take the fish out of the sea, but you can't never take the linebacker outta me!!" The hits in these commercials are BRUTAL.

Lets start a petition to get Terry back on the air. Did you know the guy that played Terry Tate now goes around the country as a motivational speaker? That's one speaker you don't doze off during. "Are you restin' your EYES??? Next fool I catch restin' his eyes in this humpity-bumpity.... DIES!! Woooo!!"

Anyway, I've enlightened the staff to the existence of Terry, and they spent most of the rest of the day discussing what Terry would do in our office. They also got a kick out of the fact that I was the only guy in the office, and I couldn't look any LESS like Terry. Yeah, like I needed any reminders.

Stand, In the Place Where You Work...

During the busy season, I'm being passed around to the clubs to work in the job I had before I came to the office. Here's an example of what can happen in that job.

**Page over the club PA** - "Member Services please take a phone call on line one."

Me: "Thanks for holding, this is Matt."

Caller: "Hi Matt, I'm calling about some information about joining your club."

Me: "Great, I'd be happy to help you out. Have you ever been in the club before?"

Caller: "Oh yeah, I used to be a member about ten years ago."

Me: "Okay, well, I'm gonna have to ask you a few questions - First off, when you say you were a member ten years ago, was it with us at West Allis or Waukesha, or were you a member of the club that used to occupy this building?"

Caller: "No, I was a member downtown."

Me: "Okay... well, our downtown location has only been open since 1999, and this building used to be Club Universe before they went out of business.... Is it possible that you were a member less than ten years ago?"

Caller: "I think I'd remember when I was a member."

Me: "Okay.... Well, sir, like I sai..."

Caller: "How can you people not keep your locations straight? You were the only club downtown back then."

Me: "Sir... back then, we only had two locations. There used to be a YMCA downtown. Might that be who you're thinking of?"

Caller: "Of course I'm thinking of the Y. Why else would I have called you?"

Me: "Well... cuz this isn't the Y. This is *another club*."

Caller: "No, it's not. I called you because I saw your commercial on TV, and I want to rejoin."

Me: "Well sir, I'd be more than happy to help you, but we don't run TV commercials, so you may not have called who you intended."

Caller: "Don't tell me who I called. If you don't want to help me out, then I'll take my business elsewhere!" *click*

Nevermind that the clubs answer the phone by stating the company name, and which location they are before they say hello - so I don't know what that guy's problem was. I was really hoping we were going to get a call two minutes later from a guy bitching that the Y wouldn't help him out over the phone, but that didn't happen before I left.

All of a sudden, fixing busted keyboards, password resets, and new PC setups don't seem so bad of a task for the rest of the day.

Monday, February 06, 2006

SuperBowl With A Cripple

Friends and bean dip - what more do you need for the SuperBowl? Nothing, especially when one friend is limping around, and set himself up as an easy target for the night.

3:30 - I've IM'ed Will about Michael Irvin's tie. The tie itself is a nice compliment to the suit, but the knot that Irvin has tied is the same size as his head. Will hasn't seen it yet. Other than that, I'm unimpressed with pre-game coverage.

4:15 - I've found the Terry Tate commercials on the internet. "You can't bring that weak ass sh*t up in this humpity-bumpity!!! Woooo!! When you kill the joe, you make some mo'!!!!!! It's Triple T in this beyotch!!!" "You need a cover on your TPS reports Richard!!! That ain't new baby."

4:50 - Nort shows up with a ready to make pizza that cooks on a paper plate. I'm skeptical of the science on this one.

5:12 - Who is this singing the start of the National Anthem, and what has he done with the real Aaron Neville?? Thankfully, Arethea comes in halfway through the song to bring it home.

5:17 - Will arrives with the ingredients for his bean dip. We have our first utterance of the word "turd". There were sound effects to go along with it as Will gleefully made the dip in the kitchen.

5:24 - Brady doing the coin toss??? WTF??? Seahawks won the toss. Ut-oh. I'm pulling for the Steelers ( get 'Rome a ring, and I like Rothlesburger ). Coin toss winners have won 7 of the last nine SBs.

5:31 - Lidwin walks through the door. He actually arrived like a half hour ago, but it took him a while to hobble up the stairs.

5:38 - Finally a good commercial. Bud's "Magic Fridge". Clever, but I'm waiting for better.

5:41 - I could watch a WHOLE game from that SkyCam view. Wayyyy under utilized by each network.

5:47 - FedEx caveman commercial. Now we're talking.

5:59 - FINALLY, the first score of the game. Anyone with the under on the game should be feeling pretty good about themselves right about now.

6:09 - A Hasslebeck lookalike in the stands. Thankfully, we've been spared the 'cameo' shots of famous people in attendance so far in the broadcast. This guy however, was a good catch by ABC - he looks JUST like Hasslebeck.

6:13 - I've been kinda disappointed by the commercials so far..... and then the "Streaker" shows up. The horses playing football has almost been overdone, but a good save by Bud in this franchise of commercials.

6:16 - Is ABC paying attention to the game????? They just put up a graphic that this is only the third SB to not have a first down recorded in the first quarter...... Ummmmmmm - Seattle had like 2 or 3 of them on the OPENING drive. The Seahawks ran the same play like four times in a row, and moved the chains AT least a couple of times. How does this happen? How do Michaels and Madden not catch that?

6:18 - Is there anything that you can't make funny by using simian humor? I love it.

6:19 - We've been picking on Lidwin just a little bit, and the best comeback he's had so far is, "Yeah? Well, that's what YOU'RE smokin!!" This is gonna get fun.

6:20 - Rothlesburger just threw a pick. Ut-oh. "Nice draft pick Cow-ah".

6:29 - Lidwin: "You know who I'm talking about. He looks like that one black guy."
Will: "Gee, thanks. THAT narrows it down."

6:40 - TD Pittsburgh!! A sloppy game, but it's gonna come down to the last couple of possessions.

6:45 - "Lord love mercy!' - Lidwin's reaction to seeing Cowher's chin on TV. Ummmm... hello? Cowher's chin has been a running joke in the NFL for 14 years now. Glad to see Lidwin's paying attention all this time.

6:47 - Why, oh why do they squib kick with two minutes on the clock in the NFL? Will someone please explain this to me? You're giving Seattle GREAT field position as a result of the squib kick when time is an issue. KICK IT DEEP. I don't get it.

6:50 - As a result of the good field position, Seattle is now in a position to score - but we have a pylon incident!! The drama! Did he get in around the pylon?? He didn't get both feet in, so it's a moot point.

6:56 - "Crime deterrent cell phone" - excellent! That guy took the cell phone RIGHT between the eyes. After re-visiting the Terry Tate commercials earlier today, it's good to see more violence on the commercials.

7:08 - Ugh. The Rolling Stones. This is where we have a discussion that there should be a "Family Guy" halftime episode on another channel to keep us occupied during halftime.
Peter: "Don't worry Chris, sometimes it's good not to fit in." (flashback to Vietnam)
Peter (dressed in a clown suit) : "Ha, you guys are stupid. The enemy is going to be looking for army people."

7:14 - Will almost threw up in his mouth after the camera panned over to show the flab under Mick Jagger's arms.

7:19 - Uh-oh. We've upset Chris.

7:32 - 22 seconds into the second half.... BU-BYE!!! Willie Parker TD!!

7:40 - Jeremy Stevens... YOU SUCK. Why don't you drop ANOTHER ball??

7:41 - Oops. Another missed FG. Seattle is just dying over there.

7:47 - Well, it took 2/3 of the game, but Bettis just ran for more than 3 yards on a carry.

7:52 - D'OH!!! Rothlesburger just tossed a terrible pass that got picked off. One split second just put Seattle back in this game. That's a stomach punch of a play for a young QB.... this could spell disaster for Pittsburgh.

7:54 - We have a game! And guess who??? Jeremy Stevens thought it might be a good idea to ACTUALLY catch a ball. Kinda handy that this one was for a TD.

7:55 - Just when you think the glut of good commercials is over... more simian humor!!! And this time, they add jackasses.... dressed in khakis and button up shirts! Excellent job on that one.

8:04 - Stevens drops ANOTHER ball. God, why did this man open his mouth before the SB? What a tard.

8:22 - Poor Matt Hasslebeck. He just threw a ball equally as bad as Ben's errant pass earlier, TOTALLY wiping out any momentum that Seattle had. This puts Pittsburgh BACK in the drivers seat.

8:24 - Will would like Emerald Nuts to refund him for the 30 seconds he's never going to have back after their commercial.

8:32 - Gadget play!! It took the Steelers a while to run one, but they picked their spot perfectly. How do you not stay back as a safety when Randal-El has the ball???? Seattle is in some serious trouble now. Unless they pull a firecracker out of their ass, this could be it.

8:57 - Stevens drops his 427th pass of the night. Get ready to say goodnight, Gracie.

9:02 - Goodnight, Gracie.

10:30 - Saw on SportsCenter that Hines Ward got the MVP. He had 125 yds in receptions. That was the most quiet 125 yards I've ever seen in a game!

Not the most exciting game, but a good one none the less. Commercials disappointed, but atleast we had Will to pick on Chris most of the night. Chris is going in for repair today, so Know What I Mean wishes him a speedy recovery. It wouldn't look so good having a D-Coordinator hobbling all over the sidelines with crutches. Don't forget to share the vicodin with us!

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Who Gets In?

I sent Nort an email on Friday, bitching about how Michael Irvin went on ESPN and was defending T.O., after McNabb gave an interview about the subject. What an ass. I lamented that I hope he stays out of the Hall.

Nort then brought this to my attention, about how Irvin shouldn't even be up for consideration. He was 'snubbed' ( at least that's what the media thinks ) last year in his first year of eligibility, and was again denied this year.

Irvin's stats:
750 rec. - 11904 yds. - 65 TD

Pretty good numbers. But I'm going to give you the stats of a few other receivers that aren't even in the vicinity of the discussion if they should be in the Hall or not.

Player A:
699 rec. - 10856 yds. - 65 TD
Player B:
579 rec. - 10372 yds. - 76 TD
Player C:
940 rec. - 12721 yds. - 68 TD
Player D:
743 rec. - 10205 yds. - 84 TD
Player E:
557 rec. - 10716 yds. - 72 TD
Apparently, 65 TDs seem to be a popular number. But anyway, here's my point. All of the the other players (with the exception of one), are not considered Hall of Fame material, and their names are left off the short list every year. So why does Irvin and the media think he should be an automatic bid when he has stats comparable to those other guys??

Player A= Gary Clark
Player B= Harold Jackson (who?)
Player C= Art Monk ( I was shocked to learn he wasn't already in )
Player D= Andre Rison ( those numbers surprised me )
Player E= Morgan Stanley
Art Monk gets his name on the short list every year, but keeps being snubbed by the committee. But the other guys are no where near Hall consideration.

There's a couple of other examples we can use here. James Lofton was inducted in 2003, a full five years after his eligibility began. The Hall limits six new members each year, and the year that Lofton got in was a 'weak' year for first time eligible players.
Lofton's stats: 764 rec. - 14004 yds - 75 TDs

Here's a guy with only 14 more catches, but exactly 2,100 more yards than Irvin, as well as ten more TDs. And he had to wait FIVE years to get in. And there was even some debate as to whether he should get in or not.

And then there's Rod Smith. Smith currently plays for the Denver Broncos. I was surprised to see his stat line:
797 rec. - 10877 yds. - 65 TD (again with the 65TD)

I've never considered Smith to be a Hall of Famer. He's a damn good player, and has had a lengthy career. But I always looked at him as one of those guys that was just a notch below Hall quality. Not to take anything away from Smith - but if he retired today, I don't think he'd get in. If he plays another 5 years, then yeah.

His numbers are almost identical to Irvin's. The ONLY thing Irvin has going for him, is the 3 rings he won. But football is SUCH a team sport, that I think that's over-rated when discussing HOF status. Irvin got to play with a QB that just went in the Hall this year, and with the all-time leading rusher in NFL history. You don't think he was the benefactor of single coverage alot in games when teams geared up to stop Emmitt? I'm not saying Irvin isn't a good player, but he was in the right place at the right time. You think we'd be having this discussion if he had been drafted by Arizona instead of Dallas coming out of college?

And I think that character should also factor in Hall selection - but I know that's going to be debated forever. When you've put yourself in the CrackPipe Hall of Fame, and have a bust alongside Courtney Love - I don't blame the NFL Hall selection committee for not putting you in with the legends of Football.

Until they put Rison ( 84 tds... how could he NOT be up for consideration?? ), and Harold Jackson in, Irvin needs to stay the hell out of Canton.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Carnival of the Badger XXIV

With SuperBowl XL right around the corner, I give to you the Carnival of the Badger XXIV. In SuperBowl XXIV, the 49ers throttled the Broncos 55-10. Like Joe Montana, I will now lead you through the SuperBowl experience that was the week in Wisconsin.

No SuperBowl party is complete with out the appropriate refreshments, so while we kick back with our beer, Learning Blue is supplying the pizza. Although I don't think Pizza Hut delivers the kinds of pizza they're talking about.

And with the game being in Detroit, there probably aren't as many people out tailgating before the game as usual. There's so many people here today, so we'll bust out the grill, but Happy Circumstance brings to our attention two people that we are NOT letting anywhere near our grill this year. Hell, I'm not letting them on the block, let alone near the grill.

And of course you can't go to a party without a good party shirt. Wigderson's Library & Pub has some available for everyone to wear.

So grab a seat everyone, the game is gonna start in a little while. Someone needs to sit down next to From Where I Sit, and explain to him who to root for.

Before the game, the networks like to interview people about the 'ins-and-outs' of the game. I think they stole the idea from Subject to Change.

Although, if I hear one more athlete "Thank God for winning" in an interview, I might throw up in my mouth. Folkbum, however, might be a little more interested in what the athletes have to say about God though.

We're sad to continue for only one reason at this point. Now that the game has started, we're forced to listen to John Madden. John is most famous for his fear of flying, and his ownership of a large bus. Rammin' & Jammin' need not call John for a ride when he follows Gov. Doyle around.

"Boom!" - PSA - If you're playing a drinking game where you have to drink everytime Madden says "BOOM!", please stop now. If you don't you'll be dead by 5:35 left in the second quarter. Thanks.

Although that catch phrase has made Madden alot of money over the years. Milwaukee's Layton Park Blogger has a few other slogans, but I'm gonna take a guess that they won't be as successful.

A highlight of every SuperBowl broadcast is the commercials, and there's no exception here at the Carnival showing of the game. Subject to Change gives us a look at some groundhog footage that had me rolling on the floor.

At every party, there's "That Guy" that can't go anywhere with out talking about his job. Thoughtful Conservative found "That Guy", but with a twist. The twist is that he gets everyone else to talk about his job.

The Rolling Stones are doing the halftime show, but you know what would make a great halftime show? Well..... yes, that would make a good halftime show, but we have to keep it clean for the kiddies. I was thinking Jesse Jackson could provide some good halftime entertainment, especially if he sounded like he did over at Fraley's Daily Takes. Not quite 'Green Eggs and Ham', but good none the less.

Coming back from halftime, they always ask the coaches the softball questions. "What kind of adjustments are you going to make?", and the coaches always give you an answer without really answering the question. Now, if they asked questions like the Spring City Chronicle, that would make for some interesting television.

Along the lines of halftime adjustment, coaches never tend to stray very far away from the gameplan they spent alot of time writing out. Right Off the Shore would like to see that line of thinking extended to something else that was carefully scripted out.

And it took until the second half, but we've had our first blown call by the officials. That's all the NFL needs now, is a chance for one team to say they got screwed out of winning. Real Debate Wisconsin has seen that first hand, and he says it sucks.

And the fans are sure letting the officials know about it, especially way up in the cheap seats. But Frank Lasee says that's their right to bitch about it, since they paid their money.

Fortunately for the NFL, they have instant replay, and can get things right before there even APPEARS to be an air of impropriety going on. Badger Blues points out that our Governor isn't having such luck right now.

And speaking of Gov. Doyle, now there's a guy that should wear a helmet out in public. The NFL keeps a tight lid on their players ( no pun intended ), requiring them to wear helmets on the field at all times, to avoid individual attention. Although, I don't think we'd find one big enough for him. What a bulbous mellon that guy has!! He's got an even bigger forehead than Poohbear does!!! ( I apologize, only like 4 people might get that joke, but it was too good to pass up ) Badger Blogger mentions a whole bunch of reasons why he's glad he's not Gov. Doyle this week, and having a noggin the size of the city of Verona isn't on his list. But it should be.

The game draws to a close, and we hear all about what just happened. It seems that people can gather quite a crowd when they have something to say during post game interviews. Bob from Madison.com sure knows that. And it's always interesting, because even if someone hears the same thing, they might interpret it just a little differently, as Letters In Bottles/The Island Pundit shows us.

I hope everyone had a good time at the Carnival Superbowl Party. I hope we didn't leave anybody out in the cold, watching the game through the window. Although, I do have a big screen TV, so the view probably isn't too bad from out there.

But whew. I'm exhausted. We gave it our all out there, and left it all on the screen. I'd like to thank my teammates for helping me out with this, I couldn't have done it without them. You know, you just take it one post at a time. I'm glad I did this, but you know, just to be here was an honor. I give the other blogs that aren't in a Carnival credit, they do a hellvua job, we were just fortunate to come away with a win today. We played as a team today, and I'm just glad I could help the team. Should I keep going with the cliches?

Next week, Widgerson's Library has the honor of hosting. You can also go here for more information about the Carnival of the Badger.I hope I fared well as a Carnie virgin, it was alot of work, but it was fun. I'll take some recovery time, and unless everyone hated it, I'll offer to host again, it was fun.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Insert Euphemism Here

I used to be a pole vaulter, and later on, a coach. Aside from the good jokes ( 'vaulters do it with a 15 foot stick - vaulters stick their big poles in the box - vaulters get high' ), vaulting was one of the best things I ever did in life. It was so much fun, and I miss it alot.

I got to vault some in college, and I coached after that, as a way to stay in the sport. There's really nothing like it. It requires quite the combination of speed, strength, kinesic awareness, stupidity, timing, and raw athletic skill - and makes for one HELL of an adrenaline rush.

Not that it helped me any at the time, but the chicks dig vaulters ( at least track girls anyway ). There's usually alot of down time at meets, and the girls would come watch the vaulters between their events. It helps that there's always a good chance that someone is gonna crash in very dramatic fashion while pole vaulting, and that alone makes it worth watching.

Vaulters tend to be a unique group, and many that never did it don't understand the 'bond'. My cousin Nick vaulted, so he may be the only one that gets all this. But that's okay, some other time I'll talk about the good times as a vaulter. For now, I'm just using that intro to vault as a segue for the Photoshop Contest I just did.

Again, for those that don't remember, Fark.com runs 'Photoshop Contests', where they will usually give you an original image, and you use a photo editor to alter the picture to make it funny. Sometimes they run "themes", and you just go wild, but in this case, there was an original image, with the title "Photoshop this pole vaulter"

So I got excited, thinking it was a picture of a real pole vaulter. But nope. Instead, this was the original:

So the first thing that came to mind, was to make this kid an actual pole vaulter. For the record, this Photoshop is technically accurate, assuming the kid is left handed. It does actually make a difference in the sport what your dominant side is, and for the purposes of this pic, the kid would HAVE to be left handed.

Yes, I am a dork. But I'm a cool dork, cuz I can still vault. I might hurt myself cuz I haven't done it in 4 years, but anyway....

I miss jumping. There needs to be a semi-pro pole vaulting league somewhere. For a short (seven seconds) video of a pole vaulter in action, click here. This video shows a guy going over 17 feet, 4 inches (5.3 meters). There's a longer video here ( with a bored camerawoman catching a guy holding his nuts), where the guy takes a final attempt at 16 ft, 4 inches (5m). I'm not a big fan of how he flaps the left arm during his approach, but hey, he got a foot and a half higher than I ever did, so who am I to judge?